Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
