my phone needs a breathalizer
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
