booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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