i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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