the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
