my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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