you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
