in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
