mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
