Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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