her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Mom said you looked used
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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