he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
