I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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