Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
