Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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