can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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