I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
