My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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