i came on her dog
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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