I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
