i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
