we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
