Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
two words...techno handjob
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
