after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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