I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
