my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
