Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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