i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.