the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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