Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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