I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
