I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
