Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
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Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
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I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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