My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
