found the other keg... it's in the tree
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
