I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
