Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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