I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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