I'm sorry my penis didn't work
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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