I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Randomize
