you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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