Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
