You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
