apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
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I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
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Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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