Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
