so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
