Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
