I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
