He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
