Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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