I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
