You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
