It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
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