I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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