I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
