Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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