Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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