Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Don't EVER smell your tampon
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
